


A Certain Betrayal

by AStoneTown



Series: certain series [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: (or at least that's what jim really wants), Affairs, Angst and Feels, F/M, Foursome - F/M/M/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, POV Jim, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Male/Male Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 06:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7497729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AStoneTown/pseuds/AStoneTown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[prequel + sequel to A Certain Romance] Kirk has to deal with the confusion of falling in love with someone when it was out of his hands and the feelings he had for others that didn't just go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Certain Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to A Certain Romance all from Kirk's POV, you sort of definitely have to read that first to get an idea of this. It's primarily a Kirk/Spock + Bones/Uhura piece, with Kirk dealing with his feelings for all of them (mostly his feelings for Uhura and Bones) Kirk comes across as constantly confused emotionally throughout this piece because...well, he is.

**** A Certain Betrayal  
  


* * *

 

Kirk wondered, when he comforted Uhura, if she could _smell_ Spock on him. Wouldn’t that just be great? Her head buried into his neck as he hugged her and a few hours before the very cause of her woes was biting down on that very same spot.

(There was that sick part of him that couldn’t help but think about how the Vulcan would be able to smell _her_ later).

The problem was, really…that he couldn’t have stopped it from happening any more than he could really ease her broken heart.

“You deserve better,” his words were heavy and _fuck_ what he really meant was ‘you deserve someone else, because he’s _mine_ ’. He wasn’t this type of guy. He really wasn’t – the guilt he felt wasn’t because of the fact that he was with Spock (he wasn’t going to stop that, he couldn’t) no, the guilt he felt was solely because he hadn’t even spared a thought about Uhura.

And he always preferred her, too.

If you sat him down and asked him before whatever happened with Spock happened…which of the couple he was more attracted to? It was always Uhura. She had been on his mind for _years_ and the fact that it took one mind-meld with an alternative universe version of the Vulcan to stir feelings in the pit of Kirk… to cause him to go almost mad with distraction?

It was messed up.

(and it turned out that it would have happened anyway, eventually so maybe it was better that it happened earlier)

And he really liked Uhura, too. He liked the way she laughed, how her whole body would move with her, the way she made even Klingon sound _good_ … the way she was probably one of the smartest people in the whole ship but didn’t rub your face in it (well most of the time).

The way she was a really good fucking person, and he spent the last few months fucking her boyfriend ( _making love_ , his mind supplied, because it wasn’t like they spent every moment together rutting against any flat surface, it was conversations over chess and food and talking novels and Christ even _cuddling_ ).

Wow.

He clung a little tighter to her – selfishly seeking comfort for himself.

“I hate this,” she whispered into him, and he thought she meant the situation before she pulled back from him – he had to stop himself from bringing her back in – looking sad, but wiped the tears from her face, “I don’t want you thinking I’m sad about the break up, that I’m going to be mooning over him. But the way he did it?”

“I know,” and Kirk did, because there were rules about these types of things and he hadn’t even let himself feel relief that Uhura wasn’t a part of the equation anymore because it took Spock’s frank and public dismissal of their relationship for Kirk to actually remember that she even was. That people could get _hurt_ and that he was a direct cause of that.

But she didn’t know that, and if she wanted to lean her head on his shoulder and open up to him he was fine with it, because he liked that. He liked _her_ , still…even after everything and getting her to be just a little less the untouchable cadet from the bar and more a friend that was enough.

Even if he definitely didn’t deserve it.

\--

Bones clocked on to something being different after Kirk cancelled on him again. It was only something small just a meal plan, but his relationship was blossoming with Spock and he was craving (and that was just lightly putting it) any time he could find with him. There was just a look to McCoy’s face, anger mixed with something Kirk couldn’t put his finger on and _fuck_ how did this still feel like he was doing something wrong, and would that guilt ever actually leave him?

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” that was all Bones said, and Kirk realized he had two options, one was to admit all to what he had at one point considered his best and only friend, or play dumb.

“With my life? Never,” and he pussied out.

Shaking his head, the doctor turned to his PADD, silently dismissing him but his disappointment clung to his tongue and the change in his tone lingered as he played chess with Spock that night.

He swore he could hear the voice _couldn’t even spare 1 hour for dinner with me_ but he shook it off, allowing his fingers to brush against Spock’s in a none too subtle caress.

“I believe that I should inform Nyota of our relationship,” pulling his hand back, like burnt, Kirk realized that maybe the whole reason he was so guilt-ridden here was because he didn’t want anyone to know, and he didn’t know why that was…

“I don’t know, Spock,” shaking his head, he scrambled for an excuse but was stopped by a hand on his, gentle but commanding, blue eyes met the dark brown of the half-Vulcan he was pretty damn sure he loved, “I don’t know why I don’t know.”

“Nyota was my first friend,” Spock’s words were honest – as if they could ever be anything else – and Kirk didn’t miss the wave of sadness that passed through his touch, “her companionship has been greatly missed since our parting, it is imperative to me that I rebuild that friendship with her, and to do so I believe she needs to be made aware of how I feel for you.”

“Just… _not yet_ ,” licking his lips, “I get where you’re coming from Spo-”

“You and the doctor’s relationship has suffered because of our union also,” Spock informed him, and whilst Kirk didn’t think _suffered_ was an accurate term, he was able to admit that it was definitely taking a beating, “if we are honest with those closest to us our bond can only grow.”

“We have shore leave in 1 terran month, we could do it then?” he was delaying, and if the look on Spock’s face was anything _he_ knew, but nodded swiftly, standing and pulling slightly at Kirk’s hand so he would stand as well.

“I believe that I am ready to retire for the evening,” he let go of Kirk’s hand but walked towards his bedroom and Kirk knew the invitation for what it was but he took his time, making a mental promise to both the man in the other room and one probably _still_ in sickbay, hours after his shift ended that he would sort this out.

\--

Kirk had never had McCoy pegged for being oblivious. He was an uber-aware kind of guy, picking up on little twitches and tones of voices and just _knowing_ when something was wrong. But it seemed when someone was flirting, genuinely attempting to lay the foundation – as if to say ‘hey, you know I think you’re hot and if you’re up for it we should totally see where this could go’ – it went completely over the doctor’s head.

And Kirk was _envious_.

He knew it and the unease in his stomach informed him that he had no fucking idea who he was jealous of. Was he jealous of McCoy for getting the attention that he had craved from the early days of the academy or was he jealous of Uhura – because he knew that once McCoy was aware, once he understood what was being offered, he’d be a fool not to take it and…that was his…

It was wrong to feel possessive.

He had no claim to _either_ and definitely less claim now he was with Spock, but he couldn’t help it. He loved attention and if they found a commonplace with each other, soon the fact that Kirk and Spock hadn’t been around wouldn’t even matter to them.

It was something in the way she smiled over at McCoy from across the messhall, but not when the doctor was looking – more like when she wasn’t really aware about it either.

“Nyota is sexually attracted to Doctor McCoy,” Spock’s voice was quiet, they were in public and he was nothing if not discreet, but there was something to his tone maybe he wasn’t as comfortable with everything as he made out, another reminder of how fucked up this whole thing really was.

“I was thinking that, too,” Kirk admitted, taking his gaze away and focussing on his food, “I don’t think Bones is interested.”

“I cannot see how that would be an option,” Spock informed him, leaving no room for disagreement and suddenly he was a whole different type of jealous, an ugly type – one that festered and grew in the form of tension in his shoulders… because he knew that Spock still loved Uhura, that if whatever was between them _wasn’t_ there, Spock would be sitting across from her at that moment, softly gazing and it killed him to remember that.

“She’s not perfect, you know? Not every guy is going to fall at her feet.”

Spock’s head tilted, obviously a little confused by the sudden outburst, “Ashayam,” the term was like an instant balm to Kirk’s rattling emotions “you yourself have somewhat lingering romantic feelings towards the Lieutenant.”

_Ha_ , Kirk thought, the whirring of his feelings were something that genuinely caused him distress. To be potentially bonded to a half-Vulcan, and possibly definitely attractive to that Vulcan’s ex-girlfriend (and maybe even his best friend).

He needed the shore leave that was coming up, the flop of his stomach reminded him what would be happening at that shore leave and he felt tense.

“Yeah, okay…but I’m just saying I know Bones, he wouldn’t do commitment again,” but there wasn’t much weight to his words, he wanted to go back to his quarters, preferably with a Vulcan and just forget about the complicated shitstorm of a mess he left behind.

\--

The talk with Uhura went better than Kirk expected, even if he could see right through her composure – she wasn’t stupid to hold a candle for Spock, fuck knows the Vulcan had his own hidden in the depths of his mind that even Kirk wasn’t privy too, but they all knew it was impossible, Kirk and Spock were inevitable, regardless of any outside factors that may sway them.

There was a look, she stuttered to a stop at the sight of him next to Spock – it was the briefest of pauses, the slightest flash of _oh well, damn_ across her face – before she smiled, a brilliant smile and walked towards the table.

They ordered drinks and Kirk decided that he would explain to her, considering he was the one that approached Spock.

See, he liked to say that it was the mind-meld with the alternate Spock that wholly done it, that sparked the beginnings of the bond, even to himself when he’s thinking about it, but he couldn’t help but look into Uhura’s beautifully dark eyes, confused but understanding, and he told her (and sort of by default, Spock as well) the whole truth.

The brief intrusion into his mind by the older Spock offered nothing but brief flashes of friendship and life, there were no emotions really, but there was a briefest flash of a word _‘t’hy’la’_ and Kirk was _irritated_ and needed to know what it meant, but even all that didn’t matter… it was the way Spock snapped when Kirk attempted to break him, the look on his face – the way Spock felt _shame_ for his emotions, and Kirk found he hated that, that he wanted to make sure Spock never made that face again. And for a month or so, after the whole situation, it was friendship… growing and joking and finding out that Spock had a wicked sense of humour.

Then he remembered the word he had heard in the meld, and researching it he found the definition to be directly related to someone you feel closely for, as a brother or lover…and maybe in the alternate universe Kirk and Spock were brothers, but as soon as he read the definition he realised the feeling in his stomach, the way it fluttered and his heart stuttered was completely different to how he ever felt for his brother. He had accidentally started courting Spock, right under Uhura’s nose and he went to the Vulcan after the shift and he was all set up to tell him everything but something happened, a brush of fingers against each other and Spock’s eyes blazed with acknowledgment and well… Kirk didn’t have to complete the sentence.

(And, sure the sex wasn’t as regular as he’d like it. It wasn’t a few times a week – and that was a damn shame, because sex with Spock was great, _like fucking amazing_ , and he’d love to see the Vulcan naked and willing under him more often – or above, or whatever… they were totally interchangeable on _that_ account – but the affair that happened, the relationship that had occurred between he and Spock in the months before he finally split up with Uhura, was a deepening connection of friendship, and extremely sparse sex… Kirk did wonder exactly how insatiable Uhura was that the Vulcan used _that_ excuse when he split up with her)

“I’m happy for you,” her words were earnest and true and Kirk felt that heavy feeling in his stomach again, because she had every right to throw something hot into his face, to slap Spock and storm out of here but instead she was kind and polite and she looked _amazing_ and it hadn’t occurred to Kirk until she strolled out, his eyes trained on her ass like it had some gravitational pull, that maybe she hadn’t dressed up for Spock at all (not that she had dressed up for anyone but herself, of course, but she could have just worn her uniform like most of them did).

\--

Kirk messaged Uhura after the meeting;

 

_Uhura,  
I was selfish with this, you know? But once it happened I couldn’t stop it and if I can be candid I didn’t even think about the people it could hurt. I didn’t want to tell you, Bones…or anyone, I wanted it to be kept a secret that was mine, but Spock missed you. Your friendship, maybe…more, I don’t know – this whole thing is hard to define. I understood though ‘cause I missed Bones but I dunno, I was afraid he’d judge me or something. Stupid, ‘cause he’s my best friend… _

_Anyway when I was there for you after everything – that was real – it was the first time I realized **who** I was hurting. It wasn’t just Spock’s girlfriend, you know? You’re my friend and I still did this, even though I don’t think it could have been stopped when we get down to it, t’hy’la is a pretty big deal it turns out._

_You do deserve better, Uhura._

_I hope you find them._

_Kirk x_

_p.s I want us to be friends too. Again. Or for the first time? I dunno._

\--

Kirk knew something had changed after shore leave when he was eating lunch with McCoy, finally mentally able to manage his bubbling romance – or destiny, or whatever – with the friendships that he neglected (he wanted to say that existed before the bond with Spock, but he became terrifyingly clear that that bond was already in place before he could even start making decisions).

McCoy was … _coy_.

He wasn’t as good as keeping secrets as Kirk was, but he was keeping a secret and if they were on less tentative terms, Kirk would have teased him about it – annoyed an answer out of him, but there wasn’t really an apology from him to Bones about everything and he didn’t really think he was going to give one even if Bones deserved it – maybe he’d write a message on a PADD like with Uhura, just apologise and leave the ball in his court.

But he was keeping something to himself, from Kirk and it caused him to stress which in result caused _Spock_ to become agitated.

“What is it that is troubling you?” Spock managed to sound irritated without actually changing the tone to his voice at all and Kirk wanted to admire that. Their hands were joined, Kirk absentmindedly using both of his to inspect one of Spock’s, distractedly forgetting the sensitivity of Vulcan.

“I don’t know, man,” he let go of Spock’s hand and sat back heavily on the sofa and frowned, “Bones is hiding something and I don’t know if it’s payback for this but I hate that it’s happening.”

“Leonard and Nyota have entered into a romantic relationship,” Spock informed him so calmly and efficiently that it took Kirk a double-take before he had to remember that Spock and Uhura were friends again and obviously _she_ confided in him.

“What she just told you?”

“I actually encountered them in a somewhat compromising position and Nyota asked me in confidence to not divulge any information to anyone,” he paused and Kirk felt the seething anger rise, “bond-mate or not.”

“And you did? You thought ‘oh okay, ex-girlfriend wants to shag around and keep it secret with Kirk’s best friend and I’ll just keep it from him because it’s not like it’s fucking import-”

“Ashayam!” Spock’s voice was raised but not angry and Kirk’s mouth shut quickly, “however illogical,” or more importantly _human_ , “your outburst is, you are forgetting one key detail in your rant.”

“Oh, please enlighten me, wise Vulcan,” Kirk felt his lip twitch as Spock’s eyebrow rose in a _seriously?_ manner.

“I _did_ tell you.”

Oh.

Oh well… he did.

_Shit_.

“Damn Spock… I’m sorry, I didn’t even think,” he moved to rest his forehead on Spock’s shoulder, comforted when his hand came up to rest on his back, “I just don’t get it.”

“I have only been aware of the situation for the last three days,” Kirk made to interrupt, sitting up with a shocked expression and Spock gave him a look and pulled his head back down, “I did not want to betray Nyota’s confidence after such a temperamental transition period in our relationship yet I found myself unable to keep such a discovery to myself when I could see how much distress Doctor McCoy’s secrecy was causing you.”

Kirk wasn’t angry. Kirk was a lot of things at that moment. Confused, sad, happy… a little betrayed and yet none of these feelings were directed towards Spock. No… they were all towards his best friend.

_Well then…_

\--

Kirk caught them making out. Well, Kirk caught Uhura on McCoy’s lap, his hands under the skirt of her dress holding onto her ass, controlling her grinding motions against him. It was a little bit of an intrusion and he _knew_ that but he was the Captain and this was the observation deck on _his_ ship and so what if a lot of the senior officers came up here in their private time and did exactly this?

“I’m pretty sure you have your own quarters,” he thought his voice was quiet, but it boomed in the semi-silent room and he flinched. Which is actually more than the other occupants of the room, the only sign that they heard him at all was the sound of a breathy giggle from Uhura who kept her head close to McCoy’s and the doctor’s slow but sure removal of his hands from under her skirt to rest on her waist.

“Perfect timing as always, Jim,” there was a teasing tone to his voice and Kirk found himself irritated by it.

“Well, I had to jump in before you contaminated my ship,” scoffing he stepped further into the deck, the doors closing behind him with a sharp swoop. That caused Uhura to move slowly out of McCoy’s lap, the doctor reluctantly allowing the loss his eyes focussed on her as she focussed on Jim.

“You’re angry,” was all she said, and Bones’ head snapped to look at Kirk, too.

Shaking his head he folded his arms, “What?”

“You’re actually angry,” she repeated and for the first time since everything had happened he finally got a reaction he had been waiting for. _Her_ anger. She rose from the seat and stalked towards him, “Have you really laid claim on everyone on this ship, _Captain_?”

“What if I have?” it was petulant and Uhura rolled her eyes, mirroring his stance and folding her arms, she looked gorgeous, a little rustled from the session with Bones. He took in her appearance with obvious appraisal and her mood shifted again.

“You can’t have everyone, Kirk,” her voice was soft and McCoy moved to stand by her, taking in the both of them with a little confused expression on his face before he clicked on and managed to look down at his feet.

“I don’t want… _everyone,_ ” he tried but sighed sadly, “Look this is my issue, I’m happy for you guys, especially you Bones… does she let you call her Nyota?” he tried and a little shared laugh between the two in front of him was something of a private joke and he couldn’t help the bitter feeling from lingering.

“We’re gettin’ there,” he supplied unhelpfully to Kirk with a shrug. Uhura took a few steps towards Kirk stopping dangerously close to his personal space and he found himself entranced.

“Remember that night we met?” he nodded, “If you hadn’t started that fight…” trailing off she waiting for the implication to hit and when it did Kirk’s eyes shot wide open.

“Yeah?”

Nodding, she pressed a kiss to his cheek, “Oh, yeah.”

Pulling back she caught McCoy’s hand, lacing her fingers with his in a manner so comfortable and easy Kirk wondered if maybe _they_ were meant to be too.

“You guys can use the deck for a little longer if you want,” he motioned for the room but Bones shook his head, waving his hand.

“Nah, we were supposed to be goin’ for dinner,” he paused, “you wanna?”

“No, thanks… I’ve got a thing,” he pointed behind him, “with the Mister.” He added, as a joke and it seemed to hit something because Uhura let out a little laugh and Bones smiled.

“See you in a few,” Uhura pulled at Bones’ arm towards the exit, “If things were different, Jim…” she glanced between the three of them, “who knows what would have happened?”

He watched the two leave probably for the first time walking the corridors like the new human couple in love that they were, and he felt a pang.

He’d never have _that_ with Spock.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Mistakes are my own! 
> 
> This is going to be a 3-part series, I haven't decided if I'm going to give Kirk what he wants yet. 
> 
> Maybe...
> 
> 'A taste of honey's worse than none at all...' as the song lyric goes.


End file.
